Welcome to my Life

There is a quote that says, “It was amazing how you could get so far from where you’d planned and yet find it was exactly where you needed to be.” And for me, at this point in my life that quote could not be more true. I never in my life thought I would be moving to Yakima and even more, be happy that I was moving here! When I was getting close to the end of my time at Central, I had decided to move back to California and pursue my life there. I was going to move in with my Nana and Papa and find a job down there. Or I was going to go teach overseas in Italy for a few years, but NEVER did I imagine my life would bring me here. When my student teaching placement fell through time and time again, I was devastated, but now I can see (just like with everything in life) that there was a reason for that. I ended up placed with someone who would become so much more than just my cooperating teacher… she became my mentor and my friend. Her and her family welcomed me in with open arms in a time when I needed it most, in a time when I missed my own family and was longing for that connection. Here in her home, I have found friends, family, relationships, and so much more. Here in this house, I have found a side of myself long forgotten. I have found fun and comfort. I have found what I have been longing for. With her family, I finally feel like myself again. When I am here, it feels natural. When I have to leave and go back to Ellensburg, I feel so incredibly lonely that it’s rather ridiculous. I hadn’t quite realized just how lonely I was in Ellensburg until I found his family and started spending so much time with them. This family has done so much for me that I really don’t even know how to thank them properly. If someone had told me a year ago that I would soon be feeding cattle, climbing haystack, cutting hay bails, and shooting guns I would have told them they were crazy. But in all honesty, I can’t remember the last time I felt so at peace and so myself. Here on these acres looking out into the pasture, I have found myself again. I have found peace and happiness in my life. I know that this was God’s plan for me and that there was a reason for me ending up out here. Now that I am moving in above the barn and getting a job out here, I realize that this is where I am meant to be at this point in my life… this is EXACTLY where I need to be.
Do I still long my family? Of course I do, I think about them on a daily basis. Am I still lonely in some parts of my life? Absolutely. In fact, meeting a certain person through this family has made me feel more lonely than ever at times. I miss him and care deeply for him. I know that logically, us not being together is the best and smartest thing for me, however, there is still that side of me that longs for him and wishes things could have worked out differently. At night when I lay in bed or wander the house after everyone else has long drifted off to sleep I still find myself looking for him. When I wake up in the mornings and somber out to the kitchen, I still expect to see him sitting around the island with everyone else with those shining blue eyes and that warm smile that I grew quite attached to. I still wait to hear his jeep come down the drive way and I still long for those warm, deep hugs that I know aren’t coming. I know that I am better off without him, although, I sometimes wonder about him. I know I was good for him and could have helped him through so much because I have been where he is. Maybe that’s why I long for him and keep looking for him. I wonder if I’m so attached to him because I know where he’s at in life and because I feel the need to help him in the ways that no one did for me. I want him to know that he deserves so much more in life. I want him to understand that there are people who are here for him that won’t leave like he is so accustomed to, of course I am now starting to understand why so many people have given up on him in life. He pushes away those people who so desperately want to help him. He closes out those people who he can truly open up to. He walks away from the people who refuse to walk away from him. Someday he’ll realize what he’s left behind. He’ll realize that those people he shut out and pushed away where the people he really needed and I refuse to be one of those people. He can shut me out as much as he wants, but when he looks back I’ll still be standing there because I refuse to give up on him. For the longest time, I didn’t have that friend in my life who never gave up on me and who never walked away. I felt the same way he does, I felt like I was always the one left behind. When I finally found that friend who refused to give up on me, my life changed; he deserves to know that feeling. So I’ll be here because here is exactly where I’m supposed to be for so many reasons.